The struggle to Let go

Why do we hold on to something that is toxic? Yes, history is important, but we should also know when to just learn from it and put it in the past. Nothing justifies keeping toxicity in your life. Let go, move on. This past year I’ve learned that letting go of a toxic relationship does not make me ungrateful for what that person did for me in the past. It does not make me a bad person to refuse to help someone who’s used me. No matter what someone has done for you, it does not justify allowing them to hurt you in every way they can; it does not justify accepting emotional and psychological abuse. The moment someone makes you doubt the foundation of who you are, the moment that person asks you to go against your beliefs, find the courage to leave them behind.

It’s not easy to walk away. I stayed in a toxic relationship for years. Tried every way possible to please someone who I’ve come to realize never gave a damn about me. In the end, I was left with debt, tears, and emotional scars. Even after I left, it took me months to actually acknowledge that I was not fine. It took me months to finally allow myself to break down because I finally realized that crying did not make me weak. It did not mean that I wanted that person back in my life. It just meant that I grieved for what I believed I had, for what I thought my future would be. Only by finally letting myself grieve and accept that yes, I had been hurt, did I finally take a look at who I had become and start working on building who I wanted to be. It’s been a while; I have a ways to go, and I have no clue what to expect moving forward. However, what I do know, wherever I end up, I’m proud of me.

So many times, I’ve looked back at some relationships, and I wonder, why did I stay? Why did I not fight back? I wouldn’t change my history for the world. Yes, changing some things would make my life easier today. Changing my definition of family, loyalty and trust would make me more financially and emotionally stable now. However, all those changes would mean that I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today. And I don’t want that. Having been the naïve and trusting girl, the one who was vulnerable enough to open her heart to love regardless of the outcome, has shaped me into the woman that I am today. And despite all my heartbreak, she is still a part of me. It has taken me a long time to find her again. A long time to learn to open up, to trust, and to love. I still have things to work on, but I am truly in a better place. And I’m grateful, for every heartbreak, for every scar, and for every memory, good and bad. I know that there are no guarantees when giving your trust. What my past experiences have taught me, however, is when to just let go. No matter how painful, always choose you!