When does it end?

There are days where I feel the progress I’ve made

Where the road I’ve walked and how far I’ve come is tangible and I have proof. But other days, I feel lost

I feel like there is no getting out of the dark hole that is depression. The days where I let comparison steal my joy. Where I let social conformity tell me that I’m not enough. That I haven’t accomplished enough

Days where the tag on a piece of clothing make me question my hard work. Days where I revert back to skipping meals despite knowing how unhealthy that is; and despite knowing the consequences of my actions. The days in which I ask myself: when does it end?

It might not. And that’s ok. Because the woman that I am was forged out of trauma and tragedy.

Out of a need to break cycles of toxicity.

Out of a need to do better and to be better

So, even though I fall into this dark hole more often than I’d like, I’m strong enough now to find the light.

Above all, if one day she is nothing but a memory, I want her to know what self love is.

When does it end? I don’t know but I do know this, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Breathe

No matter how much you want to give up today, no matter how tired you feel and how you just want to give up, breathe. Tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning. A new chance to reset. So, just breathe and take it one day at a time.

On the days that you feel yourself just giving up. On the days that all you can feel is the weight of your tiredness, remind yourself, tomorrow is a new day. When you feel your knees buckle under the responsibility laid on your shoulders; when you feel yourself stumble and you feel as if you’re carrying the weight of the world, take a deep breath and remember, tomorrow is a new day.

And if the weight gets too much to bear to keep walking, crawl. And if all you need is a break, take one. This life is a journey, not a race. This life is yours; this journey is yours. Stop comparing your experiences to others. You are your own competition. The you of yesterday is the only person you should try to be better than. And remember, breathe!

P.S. Happy New Year! May 2023 be kind and gentle to all of us!

To Healing and Remembering

"Moving on doesn't take a day, it takes lots of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self."

-Tere Arigo

For most of us, the holidays are when we reminisce on memories of the past. The time when we remember those we've had to say goodbye to. Lost comes in different formats and grief has many forms. This year, I found myself facing memories that I thought I had moved past. But, even though I was remembering, it was shocking to realize I was no longer hurting. The memories were a reminder of a life I'd once lived. One I said goodbye to. One that taught me lessons that helped shape the woman that I am today. Though this is a diary blog, I've never preface the posts that I make on here; this is a first. To all those remembering choosing themselves this holiday season, this short poem is for you. You did the right thing. Even if it hurst now, keep pushing, keep grieving and you will heal. It gets better.

We will each remember our version of the story we lived

We will each have our own versions of events engrained in our minds

We will each carry our own memories of our shared history

That’s not to say either of us is wrong

Because in the end, we each will remember the hurt, the disappointment, and the pain

That’s why I choose to let go

I choose to remember the narrative that I lived from my own perspective

I choose me, selfishly and without remorse

To you, I was a burden, to me, you are history

Good, bad, painful, joyful and all else

Our story has two sides

To healing and remembering.

To those that are alone this holiday season, whether by choice or because you are frorced to, this is a reminder to push through. To let yourself feel. To let yourself grieve. To be kind to you as you work on your healing. Some people come in our lives to teach us lessons. Learn them, choose you and heal. Happy Holidays!

Juliet.