To the present me

Lately I’ve been surrounded by proof that by achieving your goals, loneliness does not automatically fade.

I’ve been pursuing so much for so long, hoping that once I’ve achieved those things, I will be happy.

Hoping once I’ve reached those goals, I could feel worthy.

But yet, as I slowly start making dreams into reality, I feel forced to acknowledge, this is not the cure I’d hoped it be.

Becoming successful won’t make me happier.

It won’t teach me to trust.

In fact, it’s the opposite,

I trust less, I keep more to myself.

I have to face that though success is the goal, it’s not the be all be all I’d hoped it would be.

It won’t cure my depression or my need to be a people pleaser.

I have to accept that losing weight won’t make that negative voice in my head disappear because she will find something else to pick me apart on

I have to accept that achieving the things I’ve written on my to-do list won’t help me suddenly learn to trust again or learn to love for the first time.

What will? I’ve heard self love is powerful. Maybe it’s time I start learning to love the before and stop treating the me now as less than, while I work to achieve the after.

It’s time to love the me now and be grateful for this version of me as I work on becoming the person I want to be

It’s time I embrace the woman that I am instead of the constant waiting for the woman I will be.

It's time for me to learn to appreciate the present and to stop rushing the future.

It's time for me to stop wishing for the future to get here faster.

Healing

We all know when we’re physically healed from something. Though a broken bone sometimes leaves aches behind, once it’s healed, you find a way to work with that limb again. There might be some limitation, but you adapt to those as needed. But, I find that is not the case for emotional trauma.

Healing from trauma is not linear, at least, it hasn’t been in my case. Some days, I feel like I take multiple steps backwards. Those are the days that I regress into being a people pleaser no matter the personal cost. The days that I let others cross my boundaries just to avoid arguments.

Other days, I remember my voice and I use it. Other days, I say enough and stand my ground. In the moment, I sometimes don’t even realize what a monumental step I’m taking. I don’t realize just how proud I should be of how far I’ve come. I don't realize what a huge thing I've accomplished by saying no despite the anxiety in doing so.

Even though my healing may not be linear nor perfect. Even though it is not quick nor easy. Even though I don't always realize the progress I've made, I am healing. Slowly, surely and unequivocally, I am healing.

Heartbreak

Heartbreaks come in many forms. Family disappointment is heartbreaking. When the people you are supposed to count on are the ones adding to your stress, that is truly heartbreaking. And healing from heartbreak is a time consuming and lengthy process that sometimes seem endless.

No matter what happens between us, no matter what we go through, I can’t bring myself to forget about you. I can’t bring myself to write you off. Despite my best effort to move on, my heart keeps on loving you. Even when I try to forget about you, I find myself thinking about you. I find myself remembering you. Despite my best effort of erasing you, my memory immortalizes you.

You’re a part of my heart, a part of my soul, a part of me. Though you are now a part of my history, the whole of me remembers you with vividity. Thank you for the memories, thank you the lessons and thank you for the reminder to always choose me. I will cry and I will mourn; but I will rise once again.